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It was all of the feelings about myself tied to those experiences rather than the actual people themselves, who to be fair, for some of them, I should have been relieved.Whether your relationship was healthy or unhealthy, it is hard to breakup but I must admit that the overwhelming majority of people that I hear from who are struggling to get over someone have been in an unhealthy partnering. It’s the white space that appears where you thought that you’d be doing stuff with them.
But this is why you have to go back to the fact that you and only you are in charge of your experience and that you have to steer yourself out of the breakup waters into the calmer sea of acceptance.Stuff that undermines your efforts will have you depleting whatever reserves you have left and if you persist in holding on making yourself emotionally bankrupt – something has to give, and that something is Much like relationships, getting over a breakup doesn’t just ‘happen’ – they take work.While it is understandable to initially bunk off work, be anti-social, sob into your tea and biccies or whatever at home, get miserably drunk, and essentially hold yourself a pity party for a month or so, doing it on an extended basis is basically wallowing and removing your own accountability to take care of yourself and work your way through the breakup.A few weeks ago I wrote about the importance of not making someone the sole source of your happiness, your reason for being or your purpose, and explained that on a number of occasions I had believed I wouldn’t love again, that I wouldn’t recover and that I couldn’t be happy without them, only to discover that this was completely exaggerated and untrue.I’m here, I’m still standing, and with the wonderful vision that hindsight gives me, I realise that it was the pain of letting go more so than the person.Spend some time writing out your thoughts (download my free Unsent Letter mini workbook) or at least if you’re going to think about your ex, commit to always answering these two questions: 1) What does this mean about him and the relationship?
(Draw a conclusion) 2) What can I learn from this and apply to my future experiences?
If they didn’t do this, they’d be thinking about him all the time just because they could and it was Yes – it does become a habit to think and talk about your ex.
That doesn’t actually mean that you’re actually as invested in them still as you believe, it’s just it has become second nature and your purpose to think and talk about them.
It’s letting go of what you thought might be and what you thought they were and accepting the reality of who they are. Holding on to anger, indignation, and sorrow is quite easy.
It is important to work your way through the loss and process what has happened and grieve the loss of them otherwise you will get trapped in your feelings of rejection which aside from stalling the grieving process, may cause you to react to those feelings and do stuff that at best is embarrassing and at its worst, humiliating, only for you to still have to feel the loss and end up feeling rejected all over again.
No-one else is going to do that for you and being over them generally doesn’t tend to just ‘happen’; you have to actively seek to distance yourself from the source of the pain, grieve the loss, and start rebuilding your life without them in it.